one hundred one

Riley S.

I am pretty much in love with this guy.

He is extremely talented with words. He is extremely knowledgable. He is very creative. He loves art, and is good at it. He is tall and handsome. He is patient and understanding. He is a good listener.

Ela E.

She saved me. I decided to start gaining weight and becoming healthy because of her. I started oil painting again because of her. I discovered my real self, life, and spirit because of her.

She is my bestest friend, and I love and care about her like no other.

Ela told me that I have inspired her. She says I am fearless and confident. I do not believe this, but I am so amazed and happy that she thinks this of me.

I had Hami, the hamster… she died a while ago.

I got her around my birthday, 2 years ago, in December 2009. I had quit public school, I could not handle being around people and being in the school building, because of my eating disorder. I can recall being forced into school by my parents every day, before I dropped out. I reached the maximum absent days and each morning I would arrive in the morning, feel this petrified mind-state, then leave school in the afternoon for I could not bear it. My dad eventually found the solution of an online public charter school that I could do at home.

When I think back, I do not remember my exact feelings of why I was so terrified of school. I had a decent group of friends and all of my teachers were nice. I do remember being possessed by food; it controlled all of my emotions. I felt I could not eat because it would bundle up as fat on my bones, and I would fantasize of shrinking into a skeleton, but at the same time dream of feasting on lavish foods. I was calorie deprived at the time, consuming 500-800 calories each day. I felt exhausted walking to each class and trying my best to appear sane.

I quit school around October and lived in a horrific manner. I formed a rigid schedule, and if anything went wrong, I would go out in a full panic-episode. Everyday I woke up at 4:00 pm, then I passed time until 6:00. Then I would have a type of cooking ceremony. I would weigh vegetables, and count how many pieces I cut them into, and weighed each piece. I can remember cutting 300 grams of cauliflower into 50 pieces, each being 6 grams. I would be finished cooking around 8:00, then eat abnormally slow until 10:00. After, I’d eat 3 portioned frozen meals, each taking 2-3 hours for each. I remember when I ate like this; I would be in a trance, completely absorbed in a world of flavors and excitement of food. Eating the smallest bite and chewing for as long as possible, closing my eyes, filled me with this upmost pleasure. My feasting would end around 4-5 a.m, then I would sow (I sew stuffed animals because I found sowing as an effective time-passing activity) for an hour or two, then sleep. I would then wake up later that day, and the schedule would repeat.

I was most afraid of my parents bringing me to a ‘professional’ and having them take away this life of mine. I was losing weight, my lowest was 70 pounds, and I was so happy seeing the number drop over time. I was so happy and satisfied with my life purely consisting of eating and sleeping.

There were days when I would wake up much earlier then my designated time, I would go into hysteria. I would beg my parents of suggestions of how to pass time. At the end, I usually cried for hours and hours, until the ‘correct time’ when I could cook and eat. This is only one example of something that would frenzy me, there were many other incidents.

I rode Kingda Ka with Louis on Friday. We waited in line for an hour and a half, and the entire time I stared at this one kid. He had florescent yellow-green hair and was with a friend with a Misfits shirt. I kept on saying how I really had to restrain myself from grabbing his hair. Louis told me I should get scissors, cut off his hair, hold it in my first in the air and yell “HAH!” (I did not do this in the end).

When I boarded the ride I started to feel nervous. I asked how Louis felt and he told me: “I don’t feel nervous because I am thinking of you, and am with you”. I thought this was sweet. When the ride shot up, it was absolutely exhilarating. Then it peaked at the top, slowed for a few seconds, and shot down. I expected going down would be the most intense part, but it was actually the most mild bit of the ride. I guess the spiraling and speed of Kingda Ka made there to be none of the ‘stomach pit feeling’ you get. 

Overall, the ride was not my favorite, but it was fun.

I drew a self-portrait yesterday. To do it, I took a few pictures of myself and just tried to sketch a picture that looked similar. Everyone says that it looks nothing like me though.. Anyways, I learned about my face more after this, honestly. I noticed my facial proportions and things.

52. Get a pet rock. 

I made this lovely pet rock from a tiny rock in my backyard. I drew on it with Sharpies. His name is Thomas.

What came out of completing this goal was taking time to do something silly that only a little kid would do. So I got to remember a part of the past.

1. Make a Polyvore set out of photos I took only.
2. Memorize Asleep by The Smiths on piano.
3. Take photos in an abandoned area.
4. Sleep on my driveway for a night, fall asleep staring at the stars.
5. Try something new in a Chinese restaurant. 
6. Write a story for a movie. Make the story as similar as the movie as possible.
7. Get a pet other than a fish. [December 5, 2009]
8. Take pictures of every single thing I ate during the day.
9. Grow some fruit-bearing plant.
10. Make a snowman that resembles someone I know.
11. During a day, give a hug to every person I see that doesn’t seem all that happy.
12. Rake my front/backyard for my parents.
13. Wear my hair in a high ponytail at school.
14. Read a book to a small child.
15. Eat nothing but fruit and water for a day.
16. Do something for my brother.
17. Go a day saying fewer than 1000 words.
18. “invent” something.
19. Start piano lessons again.
20. Take photos of the ocean and draw a picture of my favorite one.
21. Ride Kingda Ka at Six Flags. [August 12, 2011]
22. Save up fortune cookie “fortunes” and give them to random people at school.
23. Get at least one perfect score on a test in any class.
24. Somehow “appreciate” rap music.
25. Record my feelings/thoughts during times when I feel sad, lonely, frustrated, angry, happy, and cared about. Read over them later and reflect.
26. Take apart a clock.
27. Write a meaningful email to Andre Jordan that says how much I seriously love everything he does.
28. Learn basic sign language.
29. Sow a small stuffed animal and give it to a young child.
30. Bake cookies.
31. Write a love poem on a small slip of paper and put it in a someone’s locker that I don’t know.
32. Go to a concert of any sort.
33. Pick a person I know and write a short story using him/her as the narrator. Then give the story to that person. 
34. Give something I hand-made for a birthday present.
35. Paint my nails in rainbow colours.
36. Talk in an english accent for a day.
37. Think of the positive things from something bad that happens and write them out.
38. Identify 50 things that make me happy.
39. Identify 50 things that make me sad.
40. Be in a talent show.
41. Play piano in front of an audience.
42. Give flowers to someone.
43. Donate money to somewhere that needs it.
44. Go a day without any internet at all.
45. Make at least one new close friend.
46. Write something that I want to be read at my funeral.
47. Be able to identify 25 different Pokemon by just looking at them.
48. Convince someone I am a boy.
49. Wear red eyeliner to a formal event.
50. Start a garden.
51. Hug a teacher I dislike.
52. Get a pet rock. [April 10, 2009]
53. Go trick-or-treating with good friends.
54. Make the distinguished honor roll.
55. Let go of a balloon at the beach and take pictures of it drifting away.
56. Film a comedy video with a friend.
57. Submit something in a writing contest.
58. Get a photo of myself in a Wikipedia article.
59. Give a present to someone I don’t know that well that will make him/her smile.
60. Memorize lyrics to a song I’ve recently gotten addicted to.
61. Truly appreciate classical music.
62. Oil paint a photo I took.
63. Actually have fun at a school jazz band practice.
64. Make a shirt from old clothes and wear it to school.
65. Pick a person for a day and record every word he/she says [that I could hear] then read it the next day with that person.
66. Get someone to fall in love with one of my favorite bands.
67. Write a song with a good friend and present it to strangers.
68. Pig squeal decently.
69. Get kissed by someone I care about. [May 2011]
70. Blow bubbles when it’s really cold so they freeze in the air.
71. Write my life story so far in one paragraph.
72. Get a scanner.
73. Find beautiful autumn leaves and preserve them.
74. Stop using “LOL” completely for at least a week.
75. Fill up an entire sketchbook.
76. Sit outside somewhere and draw the landscape.
77. Freeze a snowball and get it out in the summer to throw it at someone.
78. Ride Steel Force at Dorney Park.
79. Spray paint a wall.
80. Learn advanced HTML.
81. Spend a day to pick up litter.
82. Cut someone’s hair.
83. Draw a self portrait [April 19, 2009]
84. Do the Numa Numa dance in public.
85. Sing in front of someone.
86. Learn how to play a new instrument.
87. Tell someone that I think feels unappreciated that I am glad I met them.
88. Submit something in an art contest.
89. Be the reason someone made a good choice.
90. Find someone who cares about me as much as I care about him/her. [2011 school year]
91. Make someone proud of me.
92. Feel like my existence on earth means something.
93. Inspire someone. [2011 school year]
94. Make a music video for some song I love.
95. Take a photo of an exact area for the spring, summer, fall, and winter. Then put them together.
96. Accept some huge change.
97. Realize something really big that I never noticed.
98. Live [at least] a week without caring what other people think of me for real. 
99. Forgive Jessica and Shayna.
100. Learn how to not feel lonely when I’m all by myself.
101. Figure out another way to deal with my emotions than self-harm.